Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
