I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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