I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
