I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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