I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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