and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
