so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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