this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
