Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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