you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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