I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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