matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
