Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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