you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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