We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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