I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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