i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
