She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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