matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
