you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
