Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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