Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
