I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
