I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
