Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
how drunk are you?
Several
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
