the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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