bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
