Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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