I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
