Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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