Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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