Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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