I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
