He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
