She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
