i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
