Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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