she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
