end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How does one acquire holy water?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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