When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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