i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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