im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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