It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
