I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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