I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
