I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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