And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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