That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
