There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
