You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
