Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
