So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
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So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.