Just fell off a train. Bad.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.