Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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